Eternal? Eternal’s too much. How many years do I even use per year? Only one, maybe two.
It’s an infinitely favorable deal, though—per unit.
But a lifetime subscription is a big decision, even if you’re getting a longer lifetime in return. That’s just more lifetime you’d need to spend subscribed to the lifetime subscription.
Could get a lot done with all that life, though, so it would make up for the time and energy cost quick. We could get around to writing that novel, given a hundred years.
But everything I could ever want to do would take up less than 1% of eternity, so what the hell do I do with the rest?
Wrap the decades individually and sell them at a markup.
It would be a pain in the ass to advertise, and probably illegal besides.
But it’s not like the stuff goes bad like other bulk produce deals.
Ugh, the taste of it would, though.
There are probably options.
I’m sure every meal would be seasoned the same.
Maybe it’s a really good seasoning, though.
*I receive a thimble-sized paper cup in which a month passes. I take up pottery, throwing vases made of light that diffuse into fuzzy glows as I forget their precise shape. I develop an amiable acquaintanceship with another American soul based on our shared fondness for EDM and similar experiences with chicken-rearing, but I can tell our conversations eat up a lot of her energy, like an unpleasant but healthy routine. It drains me too, but we’re potentially eternal neighbors, so I have to maintain some rapport — plus, she’s the only real reason I have to leave what I’d call “the house” if it had any walls, though it’s actually just a space (or hallucinated notion of a space) in which I feel like I can maintain a sense of self.*
Yeah, no, you can really tell it’s Kirkland brand.
©2025
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